Hello, Wonder Warriors! I’m very excited to present this week’s edition of Wonder Woman Wednesday to you. Ever wonder what it might be like for a superhero once their glory days have ended? When, sadly, it’s time to hang up the cape and tights and stop fighting crime and pick up a bingo bobber instead?
This week, we have the opportunity to chat with cosplayer, convention goer, and comedienne “Retired Wonder Woman,” as she gives us a look back at her lustrous career and a glimpse into what life is like for a retired superhero.
Though, I have yet to meet her in person, I have admired her from afar. And my friends who have met her say that to know her is to love her. I proudly give you “Retired Wonder Woman.”
Michael Fitzgerald Troy: When and why did you choose to retire?
Retired Wonder Woman: It wasn’t my choice—it was the result of a horrible accident involving a traveling circus and an air hose. I really can’t talk about it. Suffice it to say, I still get nervous around balloon animals.
MFT: What have you been up to since then?
RWW: Bingo. Lots and lots of bingo. And therapeutic naps.
MFT: What’s one of your best memories as Wonder Woman?
RWW: It’s all kind of a blur now, but that’s probably because of the cataracts. And my hearing isn’t so good after a lifetime of dodging bullets and the ear-piercing screams of all the people I saved. But I did enjoy punching Nazis, I’ll be honest with you. Still do.
MFT: Did you trade in your invisible jet for an invisible walker?
RWW: Oh, I haven’t seen the invisible jet for years. I can’t remember where I parked it! More recently, I tried to get an invisible cane, but the best I could do was “slimming black.” I think it makes my butt look smaller.
MFT: Whatever happened to Steve Trevor?
RWW: He was always pestering me to have kids! I finally kicked him to the curb last year. Could you imagine having a baby at my age? It’s not that I can’t breast-feed, it’s just that my arms aren’t long enough.
MFT: Would you ever be the spokesperson for adult diapers?
RWW: I’d be a spokesperson for anything! I could really use the money, too–rehab is expensive, and the Justice League won’t give me my disability. They say I still have “feminine wiles.” Like that’s still a superpower in 1982!
MFT: No offense is intended, but you look a little long in the tooth. Aren’t Amazons supposed to be immortal?
RWW: I’m 2,500 now. But 2,500 is supposed to be the new 1,500, isn’t it? The good thing about being this old is there’s no peer pressure. Of course, the drawback is every time I go to a funeral, the undertaker won’t let me leave.
MFT: How is your relationship with one-time arch enemy “Cheetah” these days? Have you buried the hatchet and become a crazy cat lady?
RWW: Great Gaia, I haven’t heard from her in ages! We patched things up a while back. She was even my drinking buddy until one morning we woke up and couldn’t tell each other apart. Awkward! I think she’s on Facelift or Instagram or one of those websites, but I don’t understand all that technology stuff. My VCR is still blinking 12:00.
MFT: Speaking of cats . . . if you were to be a cougar, what younger man twirls your magic lasso?
RWW: Oh, which one of them DOESN’T? They’re all so adorable with their skinny jeans and man buns. I need to be careful, though. I only just got the ankle bracelet off from last time. When the cops said I was BUSTED, I said, “I know, right?” Yeah, that didn’t go over so well. By the way, I don’t have the golden lasso anymore, I have the golden catheter. It’s full of pee and regret.
MFT: If you could go back in time and give your 20-year-old self some advice, what would it be?
RWW: Gravity’s the only crime you can’t fight, so wear a bra. The RIGHT SIDE up.
MFT: Do you stay in contact with any of your Superfriends?
RWW: I still see the fellas once in a while. Sizzler lets us in for free as long as we don’t start anything. One time, Superman sneezed all over the buffet, it was chick peas and Thousand Island everywhere.
MFT: Is there anything that could make you come out of retirement?
RWW: If my pager goes off, I’m there! I keep it with me 24/7. Haven’t heard it beep in a while, though. I should probably check the battery.
MFT: Any advice for the up-and-coming young heroes?
RWW: What advice would I give? Well, if you have a superpower, you should definitely nurture it. But don’t expect the world to fall at your feet just because you can time-travel or shape-shift or whatever. You still have to work. Also, stay hydrated.
Thank so much, Retired Wonder Woman! You’re the bee’s knees! (Was there ever any doubt?) Thanks for chatting with us, Retired Wonder Woman. Any time you want to go cruising for some hot guys with skinny jeans and man buns, I’m game.
For more info on Retired Wonder Woman, visit:
Check out the “I Am Wonder Fan” Facebook Page and follow me on Instagram @michaelfitztroy. See you next week for more Wonder Woman Wednesday!