By Michael Fitzgerald Troy
It’s Howdy Doody time! Is that reference too dated for you, my little hatchlings? Look it up. It’s actually Oscar buzz time, as the biggest night in Hollywood and the equivalent of “The Gay Super Bowl” is upon us. The biggest and most prestigious award show to recognize excellence in film. Also, the night where too much money is spent, a lot of bad jokes are told, and way too much time is wasted. A handful of people feel like winners, a ton of people feel like s#!t, and the rest of the world forgets all about it two weeks later. Woot! Woot! Bring it on!
Not that I was thrilled by tranny-chaser Eddie Murphy hosting this year’s shindig, but where in the Hell did they dig up Billy Crystal? I’m sure today’s youth will dig 3-and-a-half hours of non-working prostate jokes. They should have went with Betty White. I think I would have been more excited if they got Bob Hope’s reanimated corpse to host the soiree. (Oh well, there’s always next year.) Billy couldn’t possibly do worse than last year’s stoned-out-of-his-mind James Franco and his overcompensating co-host/holler monkey, Anne Hathaway.
I was gonna call this Zatarra’s Oscar predictions, but you probably don’t even read his fishnet stocking-clad daughter Zatanna, so I figured you wouldn’t know who the heck he is. Please, you barely know who the eff I is.
Now, without further a-douche, I will list MY predictions for the winners of the Oscars and only bore you with the categories that people really care about. I’m only going to list who I think the winners are, as the other nominees are just losers, in essence.
Best Supporting Actor:
Jonah Hill. He was a hoot-and-a-half in Super Bad. People seem to like him, and this is a different role for him. With follow-ups like crazy babysitter or whatever, he better get the gold while he can.
Brad Pitt. It’s his turn. And, he needs another good reason to screw Angie that night.
Best Supporting Actress:
Octavia Spencer. If Minnie doesn’t win, it will be Rodney King all over again. People will be looting Gucci gift bags left and right.
Rooney Mara. This would be a huge upset on many levels, but, hey, I loved her and I think it’s easier having a British accent (Madonna does it most of the time) than piercing your clit for the love of Pete!
Scorsese. I might get rubbed out if I say anyone else.
The Artist. It just is.
If I’m wrong, who cares? I still encourage you to watch. Nothing else good is on that night.
Michael Troy is a deeply superficial person. Born in the midwest in the ’70s, Michael came to Los Angeles to pursue his bi-polar career path as an actor and artist. 2005 saw the release of Michael’s first published book, Homo-Hero’s Big Book of Fun and Adventure (www.greencandypress.com). Michael has contributed to the Lady Gaga comic book from Bluewater Productions and has his hand in various other upcoming projects. Michael has performed stand-up comedy at all of the major comedy clubs in Los Angeles and is making his triumphant return to the main stage of The Comedy Store in September. Michael offers an off-beat sense of humor as the star of such youtube cult classics As The Gays on Film (www.youtube.com/fullfrontaltv), A Minute With Margot, a loving tribute to Superman legend Margot Kidder (http://www.youtube.com/user/rktcommander), and currently hosts a vlog style series Lethally Blonde over at www.monsterburg.com. Sitting alongside industry heavyweight Phil Jimenez at the “Divas and Lassoes” panel for the 2010 San Diego comic-con, Michael maintains and cherishes his “underground” status. A staunch believer in Blonde Ambition, Michael hopes his new comic about shallow blonde super heroes in Los Angeles, The Blonde Squad, will set the world on fire (or at least brighten it a bit). Check out Michael Troy and Lethally Blonde updates here!!!