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A Guide to Asgard! Part 2: The Old, the Bad, and the Sexy!

thorpart2 d23Marvel’s Thor is opening in The States soon, and the staff here at Sam’s Wednesday Slog wanna give you some hot, little tidbits about some of the godly characters you’ll be seeing in the movie.  For the most part, these folks all live in Asgard, you know, the capital city of the world of the Aesir, one of the nine worlds from Norse mythology.  Well, way back when, there were constant struggles over land and resources (My, how times have changed!), and dudes had to secure their rightful reign/sexuality by fighting each other.  We talked last week about Odin Thorsdad (not actually his last name, but it should’ve been) who battled many foes in order to maintain his status as dart champion of the world/King of Asgard.         

King Laufey, played by Colm Feore

One of the many mighty foes fought by brave, honorable Odin was Laufey.  Laufey was a frost giant, who wasn’t very good at darts, but he desperately wanted to rule as King of Asgard as well as his own world, Jotunheim.  Just prior to this epic duel, Laufey politely offered to simply enslave Odin and seize his kingdom, as opposed to killing him in cold blood, but the proud ruler of Asgard refused to yield, for apparently, “Odin never yields” (which is why you really need to watch out for him in traffic circles; he’ll be the one in the golden chariot drawn by magnificent winged (pronounced WING-ed) stallions).  All this led to a glorious battle from which Odin and his valiant army of Aesir emerged victorious, killing Laufey and ruining his kingdom.  But, as the Asgardians prepared to leave, they came across a small pile of cloth and inside the bundle, was . . . a baby named Loki, son of Laufey who was kept hidden in shame, for unlike all the other children of Jotunheim, Loki was not born a giant.        

Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston

Odin took in Loki and declared that he would henceforth be Thor’s half-brother and raised as a prince of Asgard!  He spent many a day riding horses, jousting, drinking from goblets, and other godly/princely things, but Loki never quite fit in.  Perhaps, it was his lackluster dart-throwing ability, but envious Loki, frustrated at constantly living in his half-brother’s shadow, turned to deceit, mischief, the use of bizarre headwear, and a life dedicated to bringing about the fall of Thor.  Needless to say, this trickster is always thwarted by the noble Thor, reenforcing time and again the undisputed fact that all half brothers are conniving jerks and should never be trusted.  You hear that, Todd?!   

Sif, played by Jaimie Alexander

Well, enough about lazy, sniveling, back-stabbing, sneaks . . . TODD!!!  Let’s move on to a more pleasant Agardian, Sif!  Sif is the beautiful sister of Heimdall, and a mighty warrior.  Born with long blonde hair, she grew up as a companion and competitor of Thor and Loki.  She and Thor fell in love as children, and, one night, jealous Loki cut off all her hair in an attempt to ruin the blossoming relationship.  Thor, enraged at her ugly haircut (Hey, at least he noticed!  Am I right, ladies?!) forced Loki to restore her hair.  Loki found a couple of fabulous Dwarves, Brokk and Eitri (the former now has a show on Bravo, called “If It Ain’t Brokk, FIX IT!) to make some new hair for Sif, but tightwad Loki (It should be noted that Todd is also a tightwad.  Hear that, TODD?!) wouldn’t pay them.  So, they made a horrible black wig “from the strands of night,” and it magically grew into her scalp when she put it on . . . gross.  Anyway, it was all good, cause Thor thought she looked even more beautiful, thus Loki’s plan was once again foiled.  Sif continues to love Thor even after he was banished to Earth and falls in love with Jane foster, played by Natalie Portman.  [Follow this link NOW and hit play, drink it in, and THEN continue reading.]  A kind and noble Asgardian, Sif remains a constant friend to Thor and even at one point saves Jane Foster’s life.

So, there you have it, folks, some more history from the land of Asgard!  Thor is in theaters May 6th, so make sure you get there and see it in 3-D!   Although, the ticket price has just jumped, you’ll need to bring a written oath promising your first born to AMC.

Sam Rhodes


Favorite MovieYojimboFavorite Game:  The newest version of HaloFavorite Beverage:  Ballast Point's Big Eye IPA


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