Halloween is a holiday for everyone, and I don’t wanna hear any mess about how it isn’t recognized as an official American holiday. (I’m talking to you, haters from Mrs. Boyer’s 3rd grade class!) First, it is totally secular. So, now that I’ve completely contradicted my opening sentence, let me amend. Aside from fun-hating religious nuts (which is a group that does not include all religious nuts, but does include religious nuts who don’t like Halloween), everyone likes Halloween for one reason or another. Being a lazy person myself, I don’t always get into the spirit of Halloween, but I do love the celebration of morbid fun and dark humor, the chill in the air, the notion to dress up in a costume and walk around in public with nothing else to do but indulge in a disgusting excess of alcohol, candy, or both.
Stripes, if you haven’t seen it, go see it now! You may have noticed the recent steamrolling of Hollywood by macabre movies and television (Twilight and True Blood), the horror films and horror comedies (Saw and Zombieland), the docu-horrors (Paranormal Activity 1 & 2), the horror-dramas (Supernatural and Dexter), and, of course, the adolescent sorceress sitcoms (Sabrina the Teenage Witch).
I still love you, Melissa! All of these films and shows are a testament to the nation’s obsession with its collective dark side. It’s only natural that we, as a nation, would embrace Halloween. That being said, I feel the need to address a serious problem afflicting the youth of America. I’d also like to point out at this juncture, that I am part of the aforementioned youth [Editor’s note: this is not true], so I feel keenly aware of the problem and also feel justified and able to diagnose this creeping terror that others would have you believe is mere healthy self-expression. The epidemic, of which I so weightily speak, is, of course, seemingly harmless, but, in actuality, it is a plague upon our great The Vampire Diaries-loving nation. Yes, you guessed it, the evil that is . . . SEXY VERSIONS OF HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!!! Okay, before you start on some diatribe about how women can wear whatever they want – I agree. Women CAN wear whatever they want, and I’ll be the first to say that I love ogling a spectacular rack and some exposed legs. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but I have a problem when people start sacrificing a faithful homage to a character in order to make it “sexy.”
Again, I like looking at women wearing little-to-no clothes, perhaps, more than is healthy, but I find it sexier when a woman can just be as faithful to a costume as possible and rock it. They don’t need to show me how sexy they are, they should just have confidence in themselves. Example: how sexy is Samus of Metroid when you find out at the end of the game that this badass is a SHE?!?!?! She didn’t need to be shaking her hips the whole game; she was awesome, and all of the dudes loved her for it. Also, maybe I’m not the norm (a topic for another blog), but a girl gets a lot more sexy points for putting together a sweet costume than for having an amazing body. And, I’d like to remind you again, loyal readers (because I’m insecure with my sexuality), that I’m not saying there is something wrong with showing me your great body; just don’t dress up to do that and that alone . . . unless you’re a stripper, in which case I’ll pay you to do it. We men enjoy depth, cleverness, confidence, and personality; these things go a long way for overall attractiveness. Not that a sexy body plays no part, but it isn’t everything.
I’d like to see her Morph Ball! [Editor’s note: Really?]
There are a lot of articles out there that claim that women and men are treated differently in this respect. I want to make clear now that I make no distinction. If a dude dressed as a sexy Chewbacca, I’d have just as much of a problem with it as if a woman did. I suppose that some people just can’t wait to wear as little clothes as possible, and I’m saying you look more desperate than cool. So, if that’s your thing, then go ahead, but pick a costume for which not wearing much is appropriate [i.e.: a baby, a hooker, Wonder Woman (and not that stupid, new costume), Vampirella, Conan, etc.]. Halloween is a holiday of self expression, and, if you want to express your desire to wear no clothes in public, then be my guest; just don’t get upset when people call it slutty. So, yes; women and men, wear anything that you want and go home with the douche bag wearing the diaper or the chick wearing the Sassy Elmo costume. I don’t care; I’m not bitter . . . I hate my life! Why can’t I get laid?