There you go, Ryan Murphy. I’ve handed you the next season of American Horror Story on a silver platter. (Perhaps a silver platter with a certain vermin underneath its silver cloche.) You’re welcome. I’ll take a consultant credit, or executive producer position, kudos, and a royalty, or at least a walk-on cameo with Lady Gaga!
American Horror Story: Hotel is a smash! Lady Gaga is a perfect fit and most welcome matriarch of the American Horror Story franchise. And, really, would you expect anything less from Mother Monster?
You desperately need Gaga to return for Season Six. But, you also need a compelling enough reason for Gaga to stick around. She is an artist with discerning tastes, after all. You need something juicy and irresistible. You need something to showcase Gaga’s strengths, yet different enough from her Hotel character to hold her interest . . . You need Madonna!
Say what?!?! Hear me out. You need a theme. And, what could be more suited than something Murphy, Madonna, and Gaga have all explored in their art – Fame!
As American Horror Story is known for putting its own slant on a mix of classic and historical horror genres, can you think of a better classic horror film than What Ever Happened to Baby Jane to illustrate the horrors of Fame?
Can you think of a better duo to play the parts of Fame-filled, former celebrity rival sisters than Lady Gaga and Madonna? How juicy would that be?
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane, the gay favorite camp horror classic starring gay icons Joan Crawford and Bette Davis in the titular role, is easily one of my favorite films. The onscreen tension between the two aging Hollywood legends could only be rivaled by the behind-the-scenes rivalry between the former A-listers. So much so, I believe there was a book written about!
And, that could only be rivaled by a Ryan Murphy remake starring two present-day divas at the top of their game with a possibly true, often denied rivalry. Either way, the pairing of the Material Girl with Mother Monster would surely ignite the screen. It would be a media frenzy to end all media frenzies!
The timing would be perfect. Madonna will have finished her tour and likely be looking for a film project. Although she mostly directs these days, I think she might jump at the chance to play a role as meaty as this could and should be and finally show the world she has some real acting chops.
I know, I know, I know – people say Madonna can’t act. Not true. With the right director and the right part, Madonna is actually quite good onscreen. Under Ryan Murphy’s tutelage, I think she would shine bright like a diamond!
Madonna’s a huge Bette Davis fan and has done light, if not dead-on, takes of her over the years, so she would easily slip into the role of Baby Jane. And, Lady Gaga has the golden wheel chair, so she could portray the paraplegic sister Blanche Hudson with the greatest of ease!
And, it would be awesome to see Gaga in such a role of vulnerability. A perfect showcase for the dynamic range I suspect lies beneath.
Although Madonna and Gaga’s rivalry is mostly gossip and reportedly put to rest, it would make for irresistible viewing. The on-set gossip would be worth the calories of the Kraft Service table alone. I’ve joked that AHS was Ryan Murphy’s casting gay-gasm version of The Love Boat. I can’t think of a bigger, homosexual wet dream than having Lady Gaga and Madonna play rivals on the small screen.
As far as musical numbers? Madonna running Lady Gaga down the hall in a wheelchair as they scream a cover of the classic Barbra Streisand/Donna Summer “Enough is Enough” gives me the chills just thinking about it. And, a heart-wrenching “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy” by Madonna as she does yoga poses in a broken basement mirror would cinch her a second Golden Globe for sure!
In all seriousness, even though admittedly I am from a parallel universe, this is a really good idea! I mean what could be scarier than something starring Lady Gaga and Madonna? Especially if that something has an underlying commentary on the horror of FAME? I mean, really, is there anything more terrifying than that?
So, what are you waiting for, Murphy? Make epic herstory! Make it happen! Make it so!
P.S. I double dog dare you to film it in black and white.
