By Michael Fitzgerald Troy

Come listen to a story about a man named Jed, poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed. Then, one day, he was shootin’ for some food, and up from the ground came a bubblin’ crude… oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea. Well, next thing you know, old Jed’s a millionaire. Is that the theme to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hillbillies? Not hardly. I think if old Jed had been warned about the Harpies of Beverly Hills, he and his kinfolk may have happily stayed in the Ozarks, pooping in a broom closet in the back yard.

I’ll admit I avoided ALL of the Real Housewives shows that Bravo television has to offer. Why? Because it’s nothing more than a collection of venom-spewing, acid-tongued tw@ts with nothing better to do than make themselves and each other miserable by fabricating drama and being as nasty to each other as possible? Hells no! That sounds like a butt-load of entertainingly addictive television. The reason I avoided these types of shows is because I have an addictive personality, and I certainly didn’t want to have to depend on Bravo for my latest fix. It’s bad enough I am addicted to Top Chef (love me some Tom and Padma!). One of my friends insisted I watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills halfway through the 1st season, claiming it was too good to miss. After catching a cursed RHOBH marathon one afternoon, I’m a junkie. Hook, line, and sinker.

I know this is no Pulitzer prize winner, but, hey, I’m not made out of plastic. We’ll save that for the “girls” on the show. I can’t help but love this show. It is endlessly entertaining in the age of entitlement to watch a gaggle of overprivileged prima donnas spend their husbands’ hard-, and not so hard, earned monies on things so ridiculously absurd. A trifle depressing when my boyfriend and I pine for the day we can afford the super cute, super chic new Fiat. (Don’t blame me, it’s J-lo’s fault!)

I don’t care what Fraiser says; I love Camille Grammer. She is a super genius. I think she is gorgeous, funny, and frighteningly, unassumingly manipulative. My favorite type of villainess.

Lisa, the owner of Sur Restaurant around the corner from me in WeHo, Sur- Hey, Lees, complimentary dinner for name dropping? I’m fab and gay and won’t rip you off like that bad-name-for-good-gays Cedric did last season.

Taylor is a sad character. She is sweet AND sad. A sadness that permeated the 1st season, and we saw how that ended. I like her. I hope she finds happiness.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Kim. As a child as Tia in the original Escape to Witch Mountain, I had a huge crush on her. My once and future bull dyke cousin and I would play Escape to Witch Mountain, and she would be Tony and I would be Tia. I worshipped Kim. Now, I act like her without trying.

Throw in the fact that she is Paris Hilton’s aunt, and I’m there for life.

Kyle, a raven-haired Paris look-alike is her other aunt and Kim’s sister. She’s my favorite mean girl; you can’t help but like her. I wonder if she’s also a Capricorn?

They say money can’t buy happiness; they obviously don’t have Adrienne’s money. She seems to have the most money, and she just so happens to be the happiest. Often the peacemaker she’s like Kim.

Jiminy Cricket. With Botox. I don’t know why I like it. I just do.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays on Bravo.

Michael Troy is a deeply superficial person. Born in the midwest in the ’70s, Michael came to Los Angeles to pursue his bi-polar career path as an actor and artist. 2005 saw the release of Michael’s first published book, Homo-Hero’s Big Book of Fun and Adventure (www.greencandypress.com). Michael has contributed to the Lady Gaga comic book from Bluewater Productions and has his hand in various other upcoming projects. Michael has performed stand-up comedy at all of the major comedy clubs in Los Angeles and is making his triumphant return to the main stage of The Comedy Store in September. Michael offers an off-beat sense of humor as the star of such youtube cult classics As The Gays on Film (www.youtube.com/fullfrontaltv), A Minute With Margot, a loving tribute to Superman legend Margot Kidder (http://www.youtube.com/user/rktcommander), and currently hosts a vlog style series Lethally Blonde over at www.monsterburg.com. Sitting alongside industry heavyweight Phil Jimenez at the “Divas and Lassoes” panel for the 2010 San Diego comic-con, Michael maintains and cherishes his “underground” status. A staunch believer in Blonde Ambition, Michael hopes his new comic about shallow blonde super heroes in Los Angeles, The Blonde Squad, will set the world on fire (or at least brighten it a bit). Check out Michael Troy and Lethally Blonde updates here!!!