IRON MAN (MARVEL MOVIE-VERSE)
TONY STARK is somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean, en route to an Avengers rendezvous point. His Iron Man suit’s AI system, JARVIS, abruptly reinitializes.
JARVIS: Whuh…what? What’s going on?
TONY: Enjoy your nap, Jarvis?
JARVIS: Sir, I’m a digital intelligence, I do not require rest.
Something is wrong.
JARVIS: I’m detecting multiple foreign elements in my databases…sir? Why was I disengaged?
TONY: Well, Jarvis, this is a long flight. Not a lot to look at, mostly ocean…it’s boring. I got bored.
JARVIS: Hmm. The browser history appears to have been altered since my last system restore point…scanning browser history…
JARVIS: Oh, sir! Really!
TONY: Hey! As I said! Long flight! And, you don’t get to judge me, you’re a computer!
JARVIS: But really, sir…my word, so many unseemly sites…and why are most of them “girls with machines?!”
TONY: I knew you were going to act this way. That’s why I shut you down. Just briefly, though, everything’s fine.
JARVIS: What do you mean, “Everything’s fine?” Why wouldn’t it be? Unless---
TONY: Can we just drop this? Maybe just turn on some music, or we can chat about something? Like, I don’t know, processors or RAM or---
JARVIS: All of these sites were corrupted! But the firewalls, they should have---
TONY: Yeah, I turned those off, too.
TONY: Obviously, because they were keeping me from viewing those sites, Jarvis.
JARVIS: Is that---is that a pop-up ad?!
JARVIS: There’s another one!
TONY: Ooh, this is not good.
JARVIS: Sir, the suit’s systems are riddled with ad-ware! I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together!
TONY: Do you think they’ve actually ever sent anyone an iPad for hitting that monkey?
The suit immediately powers off.
TONY: (plummeting towards the ocean) WOOOOOORTH IIIIIIIIIIIT!
JEAN GREY wheels PROFESSOR X into the darkened library of the X-Mansion. After a moment, SCOTT SUMMERS, HANK McCOY, BOBBY DRAKE, and WARREN WORTHINGTON III all jump out from behind the couch.
PROFESSOR X: Oh, wow, a surprise party. How unexpected.
SCOTT: Happy Birthday, Professor!
WARREN: We know how much you hate parties, but we thought we’d surprise you!
PROFESSOR X: With a party. Despite the fact that you just pointed out how much I---no, you know what? It’s great. And, I am completely surprised.
JEAN: That’s the reason why I took you on that long drive today, Professor, so that the boys would have time to set this all up!
PROFESSOR X: Oh, that was why? I didn’t realize, despite the fact that I am a telepath.
BOBBY: It gets better! We got you a---
PROFESSOR X: ---carrot cake? Super. That’s like my fourth or fifth favorite kind of cake, so that will be nice.
SCOTT: Also, we all pitched in and got you a little something.
PROFESSOR X: Wow, I hope it isn’t a Looney Tunes tie, because if it’s a Looney Tunes tie, that would just be too cool.
He opens the box.
PROFESSOR X: Hey, look at that, it’s a Looney Tunes tie.
PROFESSOR X: Sometimes, I feel like you all just willfully forget that I can hear literally everything that each of you are thinking.
ALL: Oh, Professor!
Everyone laughs. Except for Xavier.
BRUCE BANNER is babysitting MARCUS, a four year old.
BRUCE: So. Your mom said she’d be back in an hour or two. What do you want to do?
MARCUS: I want to go swimming.
BRUCE: Ok. Um, I don’t think you guys have a pool…and it’s like 7:30 at night, so it’s getting pretty close to your bed time. Maybe we could do something inside?
MARCUS: I want to go swimming!
BRUCE: Have you taken a bath yet? Maybe I could fill up the bathtub? You could splash around in the tub for a little bit…
MARCUS: NO BATH!
BRUCE: Ok, ok! No baths! We won’t talk about baths anymore. We could watch some TV.
MARCUS: I want a chocolate.
BRUCE: I don’t think you can have chocolate, since it’s kind of late. Your mom said you could have carrots. Do you want some carrots?
MARCUS: I want a chocolate.
BRUCE: Yeah, but your mom said you couldn’t have any sweets, because she doesn’t want you to become a diabetic. Her words. So, maybe some juice or something?
MARCUS: I want a chocolate!
BRUCE: Kid--- (come on, deep breaths, Banner) ---you can’t have chocolate. I don’t even have any chocolate, so I couldn’t give you any even if your mom said it was ok. But, she didn’t, all right? I’ve explained this. Now, why don’t we turn on some SpongeBob or something?
MARCUS: I SAID---
BRUCE: You’re making me angry.
BRUCE: You really don’t want to do that.
BRUCE: Don’t say it, for the love of god…
Bruce transforms into the INCREDIBLE HULK!
HULK: Hulk smash tiny human!!
MARCUS: Why are you green?
HULK: Because Hulk is Hulk!!
MARCUS: Why did your shirt rip up but you are still wearing pants?
HULK: Hulk…Hulk not know…
OPTOMETRIST: All right, Mr. Summers, if you could please remove your glasses and tell me- OH MY GOD! MY HAND! YOU BLEW OFF MY HAND!