Avatar Review: Why I HATE Myself for (Kind of) Liking It!

Let me preface this by saying that I did not spend the extra money to see Avatar in 3D. Sorry, but I just don’t feel that I need glasses to appreciate a movie. If, however, you disagree and feel that I haven’t truly “experienced” this movie until I’ve seen it in 3D, and, therefore, I am not in a position to write an informed review of it, I would be more than happy to sit down with you and discuss Avatar’s failings with something large, heavy, and blunt.

 

I’m utterly unsure as to what I expected from Avatar. It’s hard for a movie to be over-hyped when the hype is all about how over-hyped it is. (Did you follow that?) Still, I think I went in excited. I came out a little angry.

 

 

OK, I came out very angry. The real problem with the movie is that, while it is visually stunning and the world that Cameron creates is detailed and momentous, the plot and the acting makes me ask if we could have cut one of the many $100,000 five second CG scenes to pay a decent writer to come up with something that didn’t hurt so much. The essential plot of Avatar is so incredibly tired and abused that it requires the audience to completely buy into the visual effects, which, as I said, are fairly wondrous. That doesn’t excuse a hackneyed plot, which revolves around a bunch of closed-minded assholes in the military at odds with the hippy scientists trying to save a bunch of blue Native Americans.

 

Uh-oh! Was that a spoiler without due warning? No, because if you couldn’t figure out that much from the trailers, then you’re a moron. Moreover, the truly depressing truth is that that’s all you need to know. Bad men. Grrr. Good guys. Yayy!

 

What the hell, man? Let’s ask some of the questions that everyone who liked Avatar won’t answer for me. Such as, why is Sigourney Weaver’s big blue body way hotter than Zoe Saldana’s? And, why is the major villain in the movie such a f---ing tool? There’s nothing redeemable about him, and I’m sorry, forgive me for wanting to empathize with the villain just a little bit. But no, apparently even killing other humans (First-Degree-F---ing-Murder) is totally fine in the future, and only one person in the military has any problem with it. Seriously? Killing sentient aliens to get at some rock; the significance thereof is never explained? What the hell is that about?

 

Way to go, Cameron! You created an entire language for this movie. I saw it used in all of three scenes. Guess what, I can actually read. I swear I can. Show me some subtitles, bitch!

 

There’s something tragic about the spirit of a movie being engrossed in its special effects. If I wanted that from a movie, I’d rent something with Jason Statham in it. Crap acting and a weak plot as excuses for special effects and violence have already been done, and I didn’t have to worship the director to get it. Hell, I don’t even know who directed all of Jason Statham’s movies. Seriously, how does he keep getting hired? The Transporter 2? What was that movie where needed adrenaline to live or something? Did anyone see that?

 

Oh yeah, by the way, Avatar has blue tits in it, but they’re all really small, and Watchmen already gave us a blue penis, so Cameron’s late to the party once again.

That is all.

Last modified on Friday, 21 June 2013 01:34

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