As President of FBC, I demand from my staff annual reports on these “Special Matters.” Also, as a symbol of our integrity and transparency, we post these annual reports for public view by our readers.
Below, you will find the official Fanboy Comics Special Matters Report for 2013. These reports were originally presented on January 28th, 2014.
-Annual Report on Velociraptor Resources by Director of Velociraptor Resources Bryant Dillon
The FBC Velociraptor Resources Department spent much of 2013 experimenting and exploring the application of battle-mechs. The exhaustive evaluation included the analysis of standard battle-mechs, velociraptor-shaped battle-mechs, and velociraptors piloting velociraptor-shaped battle-mechs.
While the surge in battle-mech applications in the Velociraptor Resources Department can directly be linked to professional inspiration from the recent film Pacific Rim, the department has abandoned the idea of including the Jaeger mech design. Apparently, the velociraptors have extreme difficulty in comprehending and navigating via the required neural link.
The department also informed the staff members that they will be requesting additional funding. (Apparently, the original velociraptor cage from Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park is on the market.)
-Annual Report on Assisting Diana Prince by Assistant to Diana Prince Sam Rhodes
Sam Rhodes reported that 2013 has been quite kind to Diana and that, “It’s been a good year to be the princess of Themyscira.”
While Rhodes reported that Diana is aware of the recent casting of actress Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Zack Snyder’s Batman vs. Superman and the controversy that has surrounded it. Rhodes went on to say that Gadot has been in contact with the Diana, and anyone who thinks she is “too waif-like” can feel free to say that to Rhodes’ face.
In the end, with the upcoming Snyder films and 5 different comics coming from DC, Diana is, “Looking forward to getting to know America better.”
-Annual Report on Jedi Recruitment by Director of Jedi Recruitment Barbra Dillon
From the desk of Director Barbra Dillon:
We had continued growth in Jedi recruitment numbers throughout 2013. The “propos” that our department has been releasing in the form of Episode VII rumor reports have been drumming up a great amount of interest in the form of new recruits. Although I would like to inform you that this trend in recruitment has continued in 2014, unfortunately, due to the recent announcement that legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett is not actually the useless child clone that he was, until recently, thought to be and given that Fett may actually be a legitimately scary, bada-- bounty hunter, our recruitment numbers have seen a drop and are currently pretty slim.
-Annual Report on Laser High-Five Coordination by Head Coordinator Ben Rhodes
From the desk of Laser High-Five Head Coordinator Ben Rhodes:
2013 was a particularly turbulent year for the Laser High-Five division. The Quality Assurance and LR&D (Laser Research and Development) departments have posted the highest fatalities yet this past year. Additionally, competition has been fierce in developing markets, but there is some interesting progress projected for 2014.
While the “Fist Bump” and multi-part stylized greetings, such as those that include moves like the slip and grip, the over and under, or the Minnesota finger wiggle, have been gaining popularity, these have been dangerous and potentially lethal to laserfy. Unfortunately, Weyland-Yutani has made some promising headway in this area and looks eager to corner the market. This would be worrisome in the best of situations, but it is especially troubling given the increasing market share of these alternative greetings.
In better news, after the highly publicized discovery of the Higgs Boson at the Large Hadron Collider and Laser Base, there have been some exciting advances in the quantum high five or QHF. LR&D projects that, by Q3, we will have a working prototype of a QHF Device capable of delivering a high-five in every possible configuration until it is observed by a third party and the wave collapses. Marketing is already branding this one the Schrodinger High-Five, and we believe that we can go to market by Q2 of 2016.
In short, while 2013 has been a rough year for the division, we are constantly innovating in the field of recklessly powerful high fives and will be relevant for years to come.
-Annual Report on TARDIS Maintenance & Repair by Head Technician Drew Siragusa
2013 saw the 50th anniversary of Dr. Who, as well as three regenerations and an appearance by all 13 doctors. As expected, there was much rejoicing.
While Head Technician Siragusa’s report was brief, he did inform the FBC staff that our TARDIS fleets are going strong and confirmed that it is definitely possible to put one TARDIS inside of another. Siragusa also informed us of his continued efforts to avoid a TARDIS accidently landing inside of itself . . . again.
-Annual Report on X-Wing Tactical Support by Director Jason Enright
Director Enright’s report focused on this year’s important announcement of Disney’s acquirement of LucasFilm and the effects on FBC’s X-Wing Tactical Support Division. The fallout of this event has been felt nearly everywhere, with a extremely kid-friendly and Disney-fied tone being applied department wide. On the plus side, all rebel X-Wing Fighter helmets will now come with mouse ears attached!
Director Enright also informed the FBC staff that “The Mouse” has decreed that the X-Wings be refitted with open cockpits, have their weapon systems removed, and achieve a final design resembling amusement park bumper cars. It has also been stated that the department will be renamed the Imagineer Tactical Support Division. Director Enright was quoted stating that he hopes the new changes will “help with Jedi recruitment.” Enright went on to say, “I’m being told I’m very excited about this.”
-Annual Report on Tesladyne Relations by Chief Liaison Kristine Chester
Unfortunately, the Tesladyne Relations report started off with bad news. Apparently, Atomic Robo has again turned down FBC’s request to borrow lighting guns, and Chief Liaison Chester recommended pursuing alternatives to “clear up the traffic.” (Chief Liaison Chester also shared that, on a personal note, Atomic Robo informed her that, despite her moving love letter on the FBC website, he planned to keep their relationship purely professional.)
On a more positive note, Chief Liaison Chester was able to acquire clearance for FBC to borrow a couple of Tesladyne prototype jet packs. All that was required in exchange is a volunteer for a vaguely defined and mostly harmless experiment (something involving celluar, genetic, something or other).
While Chief Liaison Chester did have plans to use 2014 to introduce Tesladyne to FBC’s other special departments, it seems like this path forward may have to be rethought. Unfortunately, the incident with Dr. Dinosaur has turned off Atomic Robo to FBC’s Velociraptor Resources department, so there will be no deals there. In addition, even though Atomic Robo showed interest in FBC’s X-Wing Tactical Support Division, given the recent changes, Chief Liaison Chester feels it may be a lost cause.