A Practical Guide to Supervillainy

 

SupervillainsAs a geek with over a quarter-century of experience in experiencing the last quarter century, I have seen my fair share of supervillainy. Whether of the Saturday morning cartoon “world domination” variety, or the more nuanced evil scheming in more “adult” films [but not that kind of “adult,” as that would be weird (though highly watchable, now that I think about it…I mean, I’d watch it)], supervillains and masterminds of all kind perpetually frustrate me. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I often find myself rooting for the bad guys. Not completely, of course, I’m not a monster, but sometimes I just want to see what would happen if their devious plan actually succeeded. Perhaps, I’m just tired of watching them suffer defeat after defeat at the hands of their respective heroes, and seemingly never learning anything from the affair.  Well, all you evil schemers and would-be dictators, I am here to help---I am here to offer you the wisdom I have gleaned from witnessing your countless embarrassing defeats.






Black Widow tied to chairI have subdued the hero and have him tied up in a chair. I am thinking about gloating by way of revealing the details of my master plan. Should I?

This is an excellent question, and one that I feel should be addressed. Let me share something with you…that guy in the chair is not helpless. He wants you to start talking. It’s in his best interest. All of your chattering will only give him time to:

-escape his bindings
-stall until reinforcements arrive
-trick you into revealing the one key piece of information he was missing

All the while, he will be silently snickering at your arrogance. Why shouldn’t he? You are being kind of a douche.
Here’s a thought. This guy is a nuisance, right? Always trying to foil your schemes and whatnot; really, he’s the one person that could stand between you and your evil goals, right? And now, he is tied up and at your mercy. So, rather than drone on and on about what a genius you are, just quietly pull out your gun, and shoot him point blank in the head.

Next question.

By happenstance, an errant ceiling beam has knocked the hero unconscious. While he’s out, I have time to drag him into an elaborate deathtrap I have constructed. He will surely be unable to escape, and his dying thought will be that I have outsmarted him at last. What could go wrong?

In a word: everything. Absolutely everything. Come on, man! This is the hero we’re talking about! This guy has luck like you wouldn’t believe! But, if you absolutely insist on utilizing some Rube Goldberg-esque device, then I know of one that should suffice. Here’s how it works:

  1. A small amount of pressure is applied to a triggering mechanism.

  2. This pulls a small hammer backwards until a spring is released, at which point it darts forward.

  3. The hammer strikes, activating a primer that sets off an explosive reaction.

  4. The force of the explosion propels a small metal object out of a tube and directly into the hero’s brain.

  5. He dies instantly.

It’s called a gun. Use it to shoot him in the head.

Pee Wee Toast MachineThere’s a reason we don’t all have Pee-Wee Herman’s breakfast making machine in our kitchens, and the reason is that that thing is dumb. It takes a stupid-long time to accomplish a simple goal, it has a crapload of moving parts, and there is a ridiculous amount of room for error.  You want to make toast? Use a toaster. You want to kill the hero? SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD. He’s not going to take the time to admire the complexity of your death machine when you’re being hauled off to jail. Oh yes, you will go to jail, because he’s going to break out of your carefully constructed trap---dramatically, and at the last minute. It’s kinda what he does.

I get it--you want to show him you’re the smartest, the best, the one holding all of the cards. To me, nothing gets that message across more clearly than taking advantage of his current state of unconsciousness and SHOOTING HIM IN THE GODDAMN HEAD.

Next question.

I have decided that the best way to utterly annihilate my foe is by embarking on a campaign of psychological warfare, during which time I will demoralize him by going after his friends and loved ones---

No.

---in an effort to undermine---

Just shoot him.

But I haven’t even told you about---

Shoot him.

But---

SHOOT HIM IN THE F@#$%^&; HEAD!

Ahem.

Next question.

Um…so, Superman is on his way here…

Oh.

What?

You should leave town, man. In fact, I have, uh, a thing I just remembered. I should…go do that thing…

Yeah, but what about the whole shooting them thing?!



Hello?

 

 

Last modified on Friday, 21 June 2013 01:34

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